Buckets

3 May

This week has been mental and emotional roller coaster.

Not for any particular reason.  Just everything piling up and weighing me down and stressing me out.

This too shall pass.

Eventually the bucket fills up and tips over and releases, which begins the cycle all over again.

I’m okay with that.  I just need the bucket to tip sooner rather than later.

Even running, which is usually my release, has been stressing me out.  That’s not really the point of  why I run and I try to keep myself in check:  I’m not competing against anyone or anything.  It’s just me out there, pounding the pavement; trying to keep myself pushing and pushing and pushing.  That’s why its been stressful as of late.  I just don’t have the push this week.  My distances have been a joke, my mental drive just isn’t there and I keep falling short of where I know I can and should be.

I’m not eating as well as I know I should be.  That really effects me.  I’ve got no juice, no fuel, no energy.  Each morning, I am welcomed by the springtime weather and the city that I love bustling all around me.  But each morning I find that its not enough for me.  Or perhaps I find that I’m not enough for me and that weighs me down instead of lifting me up.  Its funny how hard we can be on ourselves, so much harsher than others.  I set these arbitrary goals for myself and then I beat myself up when I don’t immediately exceed them.  Its madness and I know that.

I all ready feel better getting this out of my system.  I have to keep reminding myself that I didn’t start running so that I would magically transform into a healthier person.  I started running because I knew I would find myself along the way.  I knew that I would figure out who I could be and what I could do.  Every day I get a little bit closer to that.  And as long as I’m still self-reflective and improving on all aspects of myself, then the other goals don’t matter.  The big picture is still being painted and revealed.  The pace goals and the distances and the workouts per week are just the brushstrokes.

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